Saturday, August 10, 2013

Lesson #6- Develop a Personality of Your Own Don't Use Mine.

One thing I can say about online dating is that it teaches you about yourself. It forces you to express why this guy is giving you the oogies of why that hottie should notice you. Mostly the former as opposed to the latter.

A conversation with Roy. As in Royboy. As in a character in the Sunday Comics who isn't that funny or interesting but that I keep reading it in hopes it'll get better plus the other characters are okay:

(Keep in mind that I only got his name last night AFTER he asked for my number.)

Roy: How are you doing. (<----- GRAMMAR NAZI ALERT)

Me: I'm good. I get the notifications on my phone, but I'm rocking a blackberry POS so I can't go to the site. That's why I'm a little slower to respond. I'm looking forward to getting out of work. What do you do? (How do you like my transition there?

Roy: Right now I'm in the annoying process of applying for jobs. I'm sort of in between things right now (sent from the Match iPhone app! How does EVERYONE even the unemployed have an iPhone?? RED FLAG ALERT) So what kinds of things do you like to do? 

Me: That happens. What do I like to do? I like to go to the theater- both movies and Broadway. I like sitting in a chair at Barnes and Noble and reading for as long as possible befoer I go back to reality. I like road trips, traveling, knitting, crocheting, lazy weekend SVU marathons, playing tourist, and feeling ridiculously accomplished after a good visit to the gym. How about you?

Roy: Sounds good. I like all that same kind of stuff as well. (RED FLAG ALERT- SIGNS OF A MIRROR)



Roy: Whatcha doing this weekend?

Me: Mostly just relaxing. I really want to see "We're The Millers"**

**- I didn't even drop hints. I threw them. In. His. FACE.

Roy: That looks like a really funny movie. I want to see that too. **

**- And HE MISSED.

***- He probably can't afford to take me there since there's that whole he's so unemployed he'll text me at 11:30 at night from the tail end of a FULL HOUSE marathon. #facepalm


Roy: Hey, do you want to exchange numbers?

Me: Hey, do you want to tell me your name?**

**Fair questions since I'm listed as AlleyCat* and his username is sdfn9pd8s*

*Usernames changed, but do you get the point? I'm obviously an Ally and he is not obvious.

In short,  Roy has helped me add to my list of turn offs. Roy is what I refer to as a mirror. Mirrors ask questions, consistently bouncing the conversation back to you. Their answers are always a variation of "I like that too." It's annoying as all hell because then the conversation is full of awkward pauses and you know what I start to think?

Gee, now he knows all sorts of shit about me and I know nothing about him. Brothers? Sisters? Favorite tv shows? Roots for the Yankees or Mets? I mean yeah he CLAIMS to like all the same stuff as me but that's obviously because he wasn't really paying attention.

I can tell he wasn't listening to me because I have NEVER met a man who can knit or crochet.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

RULE #5- DADDY TYPES NEED NOT APPLY (Unless you're on my celebrity to do list. Here's looking at you George Clooney and Sebastian Roche)

I need to find the part of my profile that tells these dating sites to match me up with 35-42 year old overweight divorced and balding men who are "between jobs and applying for things right now"AND START LYING ON THAT PART OF THE APPLICATION. Sadly this still seems to apply to about 70% of my matches.

Thank y'all for sticking with me through the dry period! You know what sucks the soul out? Dating. Dating a guy that you're not even that into. Having a grandma who you can tell is imagining how many bridesmaids you will have in the wedding to said guy. 

Brandon was great if you can imagine dating a guy that you're not attracted to do to an overwhelming feeling of Dad-Is-That-You? Maybe I'm spoiled. I read a lot of smut. Loved 50 Shades. I read Sylvia Day and I love a good cheesy romance where girl meet a guy who is handsome and successful and a giant douchebag, but he mans up to win her over and they have crazy hot sex for the next twenty pages before the book ends. I know it doesn't work like that in real life, but I always imagined that there would be a physical attraction. Personally I like arms. I don't really care what the rest of him looks like as long as he's working that t-shirt like an actress/dancer/screenwriter/barista is working a Los Angeles Starbucks.

Brandon was 32, overweight, bearded, balding, oddly sweaty ALL THE TIME and really into talking about being a grandmaster wizard (????) of the Freemasons. Every date we went on he wore his Freemason swag. He was a super sweet guy and was willing to try a couple episodes of Supernatural. He even tried a bit of Doctor Who on Netflix. We probably could be decent friends, but it was a little weird for him. He gave off the distinct feeling of hoping to progress in the relationship while being batshit afraid of me. For example- I kissed him on the cheek. He turned pink, backed away, and then asked me out again Like four times. We went to the movies where he wouldn't hold my hand or pull the I'm stretching UH OH now my arm is around you. He went straight for the sweaty palm on my (clothed) thigh.

For God's sake, couldn't even wipe your hand first?

 Anyway, it took a couple tries but he finally got the hint that I wasn't that interested. Seriously though, this part took like two weeks. He kept texting me over and over again until he finally got the picture. After that, back to the starting board.

Every day, eHarmony sends you 6-8 matches. These guys may or may not be fully registered members, which means they probably joined for a free communication weekend and hasn't actually been active in months. Sadly this seems to be the case for the smoking hot Jensen Ackles look-alike who hasn't been active in ages. *Sigh* This means he's either a cheap bastard who can't afford the fee, or has already gotten a girlfriends since he set up the profile.

I was feeling defeated. Gross. Kinda fat, and just really wanting to get the fuck outta town. Went to Philadelphia. My friends meanwhile, I swear to god, without saying it in so many words were all:

You know who you girls are. I love you all!

They don't speak basketball, but the sentiment is the same. Also the message. The message was MATCH.COM. Match is turning out to be oddly like college. SOOOOO many choices. You don't know who these people are, and since uses screennames, you don't know real names and just have to hope these people are telling you the truth. However, they all seem way cooler than the people you just left behind (eHarmony) You really want them to like you since there is all sorts of ratings and choosing going on. Plus- there are parties. I really want to try one or two stir events. 

I've been on for 3 days, and I have a date on Sunday with a guy that we shall call Nick. He's 34, a local high school history teacher (TRIVIA PARTNERRRRRR!!!), who likes reading, dogs, theater, and Mel Brooks movies especially Spaceballs. Let's not even TALK about his arms.

Me. Right now.

Thursday, July 11, 2013


I can't believe I went almost a whole month without updating. Jessi was not kidding. It takes a lot of time and effort to put together a decent blog. I don't know how Brittany Gibbons does it, because I adore everything she says. And J's Everyday Fashions updates DAILY. GAH. Can't do that.

Check out my fave blogs when you're done with me! - No words. She's amazeballs. She makes me feel better about myself and laughing. She's craftier than you, at all times. Everything is affordable. Oh hey, and she's a good friend of mine. CLICK IT. She takes expensive looks and makes them not expensive. And then she'll give coupons and all sorts of fashion based advice. I'm a little addicted.


Date #2 occured. We went to see Superman with the amazingly sexy Henry Cavill, and that was probably a bad move on my part.
Being more attracted to the guy on the screen than the guy with his hand on your leg?

Plus his hand was sweaty.

Maybe I'm just not used to people touching me. It wasn't bad, but the sweat part was gross. Plus, I'm all woah there buddy. We didn't hold hands last time, and now you bought me a drink and popcorn so my hands are occupied, and you're going for a feel?

My fear- I'm not attracted to him. He gives me a strong Dad-like vibe. And I love my Dad (Papa-Bear!) to bits, but I don't want to date him. That's illegal in like 25 states, and I'm just not down with that shit. We'd be so compatible AS FRIENDS. He asked me out again though, so #whatwhat. No matter how I feel about it, it makes me feel good that someone likes me. Does that make me a terrible person?

Thank you Misha!
Anyway, finishing up the Brandon-related update, post-movie (we had had dinner first) came the scary part. He walked to my car, we made small talk and then he froze. First date he got a hug. This time I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He looked surprised but pleased. Kinda like my dog would when I gave him a treat for being adorable.

*R.I.P. Spooky

Next up:

The Haitian Asshole:

He doesn't get a name and that's how I've been describing him. He practically cat-fished me. Lovely profile, okay in the looks department. We blew straight through the questions, makes or breaks, etc. First email he proposes. 

I reacted much like Jensen. He immediately backtracked by saying he was only trying to find out if I'd marry outside my race and citizenship. I decided to try and segue back into normal shit like, tell me about your job (NADA. FYI, he's 32), where you're from (NYC, but he's Haitian and on a VISA. ) First language? (French, Creole, THEN English). He seemed to get my drift and asked about traveling. (I'm gonna bypass that redflag from lack of citizenship and would I travel), because I like to and I want to more. I told him about my high school exchange program to Germany and how I really want to travel Europe.

I waited a week and I got the following email: "I guess you don't seem interested in continuing the conversation. FYI your (GRAMMAR POLICE) the first person to ask me if I have a job. I think that's a STUPID QUESTION (Ummm YOU STILL DON'T HAVE ONE). I hope you find your Mr. Right with some better material.
Side note- Is asking for employment uncouth? Can't judge a book by it's cover and a guy by his face, car, or job? 

Something kinda like this

I *went* with "That's incredibly of rude of you, since I had sent the last message. Good luck finding Mrs. Right with that attitude of yours and you'll be lonely a lot longer." And then I immediately blocked the match.


Okay! Tell me your thoughts people. Comments? Like the blog? Hate the blog? Suggestions?

Tuesday, June 18, 2013


I'm so serious people. I have no clue. Second date with Brandon is coming up on Thursday (We're seeing Man of Steel) (HENRY CAVILL NEEDS AN IDENTICAL TWIN YOUNGER BROTHER. I WOULD MOVE ANYWHERE FOR THAT. I WOULD QUIT MY JOB FOR THAT, AND I LOVE MY JOB.)

That man is beautiful from all angles. See above for proof.
Back to reality. Oh who are we kidding? This is a Henry appreciation post. 
#BOOM #PREGNANT #CanWeTalkAboutThoseArms?

It should be illegal to look this good. Rest assured none of my matches come close. Yet. Sigh.

He looks like THAT. Plus he's British, and talented. He is, essentially, my ideal man.

Life's not fair.

But back to me and online dating. I've been at this for what, 3 weeks? It feels like eight and a half years already. I've already had a guy bring up marriage. (32, lives in Brooklyn, works for a car rental company, not a US citizen, English is his THIRD language. That makes me feel more unaccomplished than uncomfortable. It's the marriage thing that bothered me more.) At this point I've noticed a trend. On JDate my matches were old. Like sugar daddy old. Seriously. If you're older than my Dad, I'm not hitting that with a ten foot pole. I am NOT Soon Yi Previn or Catherine Zeta Jones. On eHarmony, the guys are, lets say- more exotic. Less old white Jews and more Asian and African immigrants. Trying to avoid miscommunication is HARD with cultural AND language differences working against me. It's considerably grosser though when the options are all horn dogs.

One thing is for certain though. Through my blog I'm learning that I'm not alone and I'm getting some really great stories out of it. 

Sarah was the first to offer to talk to me about online dating!
Sites tried: OKCupid, RSVP, NZDating
Me: What made you try online dating?
Sarah: A friend of mine was on OKCupid and RSVP. I can't remember how I came across NZDating. I think I looked it up on Google.
I was looking for someone who I could feel comfortable with and who wanted the same things I did. I met a lot of horny guys just out for a good time. I met a few guys who were just plain scary.
There were some decent ones out there. Past experience stopped me from getting to know them. I got to a certain point and just shut down and went off line for a bit.

Me: Any interesting horror stories?
Sarah: The horny ones would message me and would seem ok for the first couple of messages. Then I would get messages saying "What are you wearing? Let's fuck." or "I have a boner right now, wanna fuck?" Or they would just message asking what I was looking for and "I'm just looking for a night of fun. What are you doing tonight? Wanna do me?" The scary ones: I would meet up with them and would just get a vibe I guess. Even the nice guys, when we met up, there was the awkward silence and struggling to find stuff to talk about.

Me: The silence thing sound pretty normal, but yeah- some guys are just gross. What was the worst date you went on?
Sarah: (Editor's note- not the most comforting story before I went on my first date with Brandon. Kinda felt like when I decided to watch Final Destination before I went to Germany for the school exchange program.)It would have been the non date. We were supposed to meet up for coffee and I waited for ages before giving up and just going in and ordering a coffee. I was pretty sure he saw me and decided not to go ahead with the date.(DOUCHEBAG.) Either that or he just purposely didnt show. Maybe he got scared and chickened out. Either way I never heard from him again. 

Me: That really blows. What was the best date you went on? (At this point, I need a success story. Realllllly didn't want to start freaking out.)
Sarah: I went out with this guy named Eric. We met up for dinner and then ended up going to a movie spur of the moment and then played pool for hours. Both of us just wanted to hang out all night. We felt comfortable and there was no awkward silence. We always had something to talk about, and ended up dating for about 3-4 months. (Chemistry! It's real! #whew Good to know.)

Me: And do you have any advice for others in the online dating pool?
Sarah: Just be yourself. And if you're scared, just work on getting through it. Chances are he's just as scared as you are.
And there's always going to be the horny guys you dont want to hear from. Ignore them. The world is full of idiots. Ya gotta get past the idiots to find the ones worth your time.

More little interviews to come! If you have any stories you'd like shared (KATIE!), just send me a message! Guest posts are always a possibility as well.

In the meantime, keep reading! Find out if I tell him yes! And as always, comments are welcome.

QOTD: "He was only interested in one thing. And he did NOT get it."~Kris

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Rule # 4- I May Not Act Like A Lady, But You Damn Well Better Treat Me Like One

Hello everyone! Glad to see you're still with me after my last post.

First: I completed the great purge: I deleted all those assholes who fell off the internet once I sent them a picture, the pricks whose first questions involved sex, and everyone with a strange username (among the fallen are User11, KSquare, and Indian Stud). Somehow, due to eHarmony's bizarre we'll-match-you-with-everyone-until-one-sticks policy, there are still 25 survivors. Still communicating with three or four.

Adam: Adam has been eliminated. He texted me approximately 5 hours before the date on Saturday and said that he wasn't feeling good and wanted to cancel. I knew from talking to him for about a week and a half that he seems to not feel good, or do stupid shit that ends with a broken ankle or wrist a lot. Sadly his injuries tended to amount to 1/3 of our conversations. He then proceeded to tell me he was almost out of text messages. Was I on Facebook?

Time Out For Truth: I haven't "friended" any of these guys yet. A- I'm promoting my blog there and I don't want them reading it. B- That's how stalking starts, friends. Don't facebook friend anyone that you're not comfortable with, and sadly- I don't feel comfortable with any of them yet. Especially Adam. That's why my cousin Kris was going to be accompanying us. I'm not dumb enough to travel alone to a city I'm not familiar with and run off with a guy I've never met before. YOU SHOULDN'T BE EITHER.

Back to Adam: At this point I started ignoring his messages. Honestly, I was having an awesome weekend and didn't want to be bothered learning how to stop what was turning into a stage 5 clinger. That's right folks. The texts continued. And then the emails started. At this point I think he finally got it, because he sent a nice simple email: "Do you want to continue communicating? I'm sorry I canceled our date, but I can come up to NYC or something! It's very doable for me."


I responded back as politely as possible that I thought he was a nice guy but I wasn't feeling any chemistry, that I didn't feel like I couldn't maintain a North Jersey/Philly relationship, and that I'd rather not continue communication.

I actually did meet a guy at Philly Con who had the balls to ask for my number. He had me scribble it on a photo pick-up ticket with his sonic screwdriver pen. (Did I mention he was dressed as 11? *swoon*) Nothing interesting to talk about with him yet though, but it keeps hope alive!

Now to Brandon* (*as a reminder, names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.) who you may remember from a few posts ago asked me out. I've been getting increasingly nervous since I've been interviewing some friends for an upcoming post. I was getting all sorts of scenarios on how this could go terribly wrong.

*32 years old
*Has job, apartment, car
*Passionate about involvement with the freemasons.

He bought the tickets the night before, so I became reasonably confident that he wasn't going to cancel or ditch me. He even showed up early! We met up at the mall and went to Ruby Tuesdays where he paid for everything I wanted. I think he was nervous because he had a funny look in his eyes and he just talked and talked. He's never seen Doctor Who or Supernatural. In his defense, apparently the freemasons meet on Wednesdays. He promised to look into Doctor Who though. Even despite the fact that I know nothing about the freemasons, and he knew nothing about my shows we managed to maintain a pretty good conversation flow.

After that we walked around the mall for a bit until it was time for the movie. (He paid for snacks as well!) We saw Iron Man 3, which for the record- is exactly my idea of a good date movie. I just wish I could stand Gwyneth Paltrow better. I think she's been tainted by all that GOOP nonsense. I just don't like her or her face. Oh well. RDJ and that kid totally made the movie anyway. Brandon proved his merit by not feeling me up in the dark which would have been highly unattractive on a first date without looking like Jensen Ackles.

I'd still hit that any day in my dreams. Danneel is a lucky lucky woman.

He just put his hand on mine for a few parts and we enjoyed the movie. All in all, he treated me like a lady so major points for him.

I know what you're thinking- Ally you went on a date and you said NOTHING about his looks. Good for you! It's not good. My first impression in person was that "Oh god he kinda reminds me of my Dad" feeling. It was horrible. He's overweight like me (and my dad), still slight taller than me though (Bonus! Can't date short guys), and balding. I'm not attracted to him to the point where it makes me sad. I wish I was, you know? He's nice. He likes me. I know he likes me since he asked me out again when we were saying good-bye. I'm going to go out with him again. I'm gonna give it a little time to see if I feel more chemistry. Not to mention I could use the experience. It's been a long time since I've been out and about with a guy. My mom and grandma are overjoyed. I think they were secretly afraid I'm a lesbian (and I blame my uncle wholeheartedly for starting that rude and untrue thought in their heads.) My best friend however, despite the fact that she's a thousand miles away and hasn't seen me in a year knew it right away though.

Sigh. Feeling lonely :( Thanks for sticking with me y'all!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Let's Get Uncomfortable For A Moment


One of my biggest passions is Broadway shows, something inherited from my mother. My Dad took her to see A Chorus Line and then to dinner at Sardi's for an anniversary- super classy. So has anyone seen a little Tony Award winning show called Avenue Q?

Full disclosure: I am a white, Jewish girl from the suburbs and when I was younger, I wanted to be black. (Can I say that? African-American perhaps?) My neighbors and closest friends until well into elementary school were African-American. At Hanukkah, my mom got me and my sister the exact same dolls and she had to go back to the store and get me the black Barbie. My parents, I'm proud to say, totally didn't care. They wanted me to be happy and didn't care what was floating my boat. Other family members are not so... open. Let's just say being white and Jewish is enough to pass universal muster in the household.

It wasn't till I was older and was taught that I didn't want to walk down certain streets at night, and was made aware of certain stereotypes that I began to look at certain people differently. I don't like it, and sometimes it makes me angry, but I do sometimes look at people differently. People look at me differently, and honestly some things like affirmative action piss me off. Pardon me, I'm so sorry but my white privilege is showing.

And now I feel like a horrible person.

Getting back to topic, I answered all the questions on eHarmony, and I was getting a lot of similar names - think Ray/Roy, Jim/Tim, etc. Most surprising to me is that a lot of my matches are Asian and Muslim. Until this point I've only ever dated white Jewish or catholic guys. I've never been forced to imagine how my family would react to meeting Sunil, Karim, Zhuan,  Lihn or Khalid. For all I know, one of them is THE ONE so I've responded to everyone who expressed interest. I give them all a fair chance until I just can't anymore. Sometimes they seem upset that I currently have no plans to go to grad school. (block match) Sometimes they have an overwhelming victim mentality (block match) And sometimes they don't like animals. (WHAT PART OF MUST LOVE DOGS CONFUSED YOU?)

I'm also forced to think about would I date someone younger than me. You're 22. WTF are you doing on a dating website. Shouldn't you be taking finals? Plus then I start to wonder- Is this really who I'm being matched with? Or are there just an extraordinarily large amount of young asians on eharmony? I don't know if anyone has any experience with eHarmony in particular, but they send you an email with the 6 matches of the day. After a while you start to feel like they aren't actually matches, but just 6 more names being flung at you like a lifesaver so you can cling to one and feel like you aren't a completely disgusting person that no one will ever find attractive.

Have I mentioned that I tend to over think things? I have to keep it simple and go back to the basics.

I know things that I look for in a guy:

*Sense of humor
*Apartment? (not a deal breaker)
*Nice arms? Accent? (huge points)
*Must love Dante's Peak, The Matrix, dogs

Turn offs
-facial tattoos
-bad grammar
-thinks with his penis
-looks down on my shows (MUST LOVE SUPERNATURAL AND DOCTOR WHO!)
-hates animals

Personally, don't think I'm at a point in my life where I'd date a guy fresh out of college or practically middle aged. I'd feel like I was robbing a cradle or dating my dad. The religion thing is still a little scarier. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to be open-minded about dating outside of my white suburban circle of comfort.

Please feel free to comment! Would you date someone outside of your race/ethnicity/religion? Any stories about doing so? How about age? Has anybody robbed the cradle or found a sugar daddy? Let me know! Sharing is caring!

Just please- don't call me a racist. I'm just honestly curious; there is no need to be an asshole.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Rule #3 Talk Nerdy To Me

Alright guys and gals, let's be honest with ourselves. We all have a type. We have things that specifically attract to us to other people. For instance: I don't care who you're attracted to. Man, woman,   Madame Vastra, whatever butters your buddha folks. I want a guy who also doesn't give two shits if I introduce him to my best gay guy friend or a lesbian. (Did you see what I just did there, I talked nerdy and I talked about my type. Because as much as I'd like to pretend that my type is still Brad Pitt, it's not.)

Home-wrecker just isn't my style.
SPNG Tags: Castiel / No / Just / No
Looking for a particular Supernatural reaction gif? This blog organizes them so you don’t have to spend hours hunting them down.

Yeah, the whole being extremely handsome to the point where it feels like I'm looking into the sun (winkwink JENSEN ACKLES), having a super sexy accent (winkwink JOSEPH MORGAN), or a uniform totally help, but in the long run I need a guy with a good personality. Make me laugh. Don't be passive or I'll walk all over you. Sing along to the radio with me. Share an interest or too, and don't treat what I'm passionate about like trivial crap.

I'm a nerd and I don't want to hide it. I want to let my freak-flag fly. I go to cons. I want to talk about cosplay, and trivia, and goddamn it if you interrupt me during my shows, you better be prepared to accept the consequences. Is it so wrong to want a man who understands that Mark Sheppard is bacon, and that I'm an Ackle-holic but Sam-curious? 
SPNG Tags: Crowley/ Let me explain why I want / Superwholock / 
Looking for a particular Supernatural reaction gif? This blog organizes them so you don’t have to spend hours hunting them down.

I want someone who can talk nerdy to me. Blow my mind with stupid trivia. Debate me on which Doctor is the best. Tell me why Sherlock is the best show on the BBC. Help me plot ways to kidnap Moffat and beat him with Clara theories. Ask me to see Star Trek with you. Be willing to come to a con with me. In costume for bonus points. I am a loud and proud nerd, and if you ask me to be the Hermione to your Ron I am SOLD.

Today I am proud to update you that I have got a whole bunch of guys waving the flag with me. Adam, you may remember him from post #1 and I have a date on Saturday. He will be attending Philly Con, just for me and then we'll be going out to grab a burger and milkshakes. He may even be able to show me a plane up close and personal :) 

Guy #2, who we'll call Brandon (B, Beta? I like my theme, get used to it!) asked me out for Friday! Since I'll be in Philadelphia on Friday, we rescheduled for next Friday. He asked me for the classic dinner and a movie. More details as they arise, but it's looking promising. He told me that he reads Star Trek novels. Huge relief, since honestly- I have too. Some of the classic novels were good!

Guy #3, Charlie is still just texting me but I have high hopes for him. He's employed as an engineer. He has a car, and in his spare time he volunteers with a program that teaches students robotics. *swoon* 

Sadly I haven't had considerable contact with the match who mentioned cosplay to me, but according to the website meaning a decent person takes approximately three months. Too bad, he had the whole hot AND nerdy thing working for him. More about him later! I just wanted to update y'all before I roadtrip out tomorrow!

For now though, let's celebrate that there are 3 guys out there who think I'm hot enough to date, and 2 have told me I'm gorgeous. 

<--totally not me right now XD