Rule #2- Be Upfront About the Fact You're A Douchebag

I may not have the slightest shred of self esteem 3/7 days a week, but goddamn it I am a catch. I don't 

smoke, I have a drink every once in a while. I like to have a good time. I have friends and though sometimes I feel like my family is butt-fucking nuts, no one gets divorced. I come from a family chock-full of stable, loving, long-term relationships, and THAT might be my problem. It is a really high bar that has been set and sometimes I really wish I took track and field more seriously.

The moral of this story is to boost my self esteem. Why? Because no matter how many guys are texting me (and the number is pleasantly high right now), it is the assholes who pester me for a picture, and then drop off the face of the planet that salt my wounds.

Today we tell the story of Rudy and String Bean. I'm sorry I can't even think of a proper name for him since that's exactly what I thought when I saw his picture.

Rudy, at least didn't try to hide his personality. As I said in a previous post, I communicated with all who communicated with me. What initially set off my d*bag radar? Stoner photo. Stoner photos are NEVER the best choice for your eHarmony photo.

Houston we have a problem!

No no, I kept going. EHarmony's first communication step is questions that you can pick. His, were about sex. When did I think it was acceptable? How often do I want it? How much of a physical personal am I?

Men. For the record: between consenting adults whenever they want it, married or not. Pretty much all the time when the guy looks like Ian Somerhalder, talks like Daniel Gillies, and has the personality of Misha Collins. Not that cuddly. It took me years to hug my friends, and I KNOW they don't want to get in my pants.

So, Rudy for some reason put up with my answers and continued on to step 2: Make or Breaks.

One of his "Breaks" was "Foul-Mouthed." Theoretically at this point I send him a message saying, "Sorry, Rudy. You seem like a nice guy but I curse dirtier than a drunken sailor in a New York City sewer. Instead I had the pleasure of finding out he has a dog but no emotional attachment to it. Plus he's here for the free communication weekend, so he can't see my pictures. Can I send him one?

String Bean, however looked much better on paper so let's give him a face for my readers.

String Bean was locationally ideal. Religiously ideal. Seriously, Jewish is all it takes to get the stamp of approval from my grandparents. We both liked to hang out in Ridgewood, animals, and going to see movies. We talked for quite a while. He was steadily employed, had a car, and appeared to be a decent human being. And then, the bells started going off. I'm not a paying member, I'm here for the free communication weekend. Can I get a picture so I can see what you look like?

So I sent him my profile picture. Nope. Not good enough. "I want a whole body picture. I like to see the whole picture :)" I pointed out that that wasn't at ALL creepy, and sent him a nice photo my friend took of me in front of the bean at Millenium Park in Chicago.

No response in 3 days.

Dear Rudy and String Bean:

Love, 

Ally!

Rule #1 : Nut Up Or Shut Up

As eHarmony's free communication weekend comes to a close, here are the stats:

29 Matches (lies!)
Communicating with 9 of them
Emailing with 2 of them
Texting with two of them.
Scratch that 3. 

I swore to myself that I'd do this at least twice as open-minded as my grandma, so 50% open. (I'm working on the whole judging people thing, I swear. I can't just shut it off in a day though if I'm hoping to find the one.

And in my defense, it is really easy to mix people up when everyone's names rhyme. I'm in full-on Bryan/Ryan, Tim/Tom, Dan/Don scenarios here, which makes it more hilarious when I get the random Mashariqs, Gogas, and Kaushals thrown in there.

I've communicated with everybody who sent me inquiries, and I seem to have eliminated the major of sex-obsessed losers because I don't want them. I gave out my number numerous times and I thought I had a winner, because one of them texted me almost immediately, and that is the way to my heart:

Nut Up Or Shut Up

#1- We shall call him Adam, since he was the first to text.

5'11 (Taller than me!)
Jewish (Automatically family approved!)
Likes animals and willing to watch Doctor Who and attend Wizard World Philly!

So the texting was happening, and now the hard news started rolling in.

He has no job, and currently no prospects.
Lives with family but in his defense- both parents are seriously ill and he's needed there
Has no car because due to lack of job, he can't afford the maintenance and upkeep.
He hates a lot of physical activities due to past injuries, such as roller skating and ice skating.
And for those who are thinking it: no. He doesn't have that sons of anarchy body that makes my panties drop. Not even close, so it's personality based.

More on other prospects later, but any thoughts on Adam?

Why You Should Care

So it finally happened. I've reached that point in my life where everyone seems to have found a match. A god, he's perfect why doesn't he have a single identical twin brother match. Every guy seems to have found his other half who is so perfect, I can't even look at her. Me? I'm on the sidelines trying to figure out if I want to be a third wheel or go it alone.

So far I've been going it alone, but is it so wrong to want a plus 1? Someone to get the popcorn before the movies? Lend me a jacket at a wedding because I'm freezing but I couldn't find one to go with my dress? Hell, someone to go with me to the wedding of guyfriend and perfectgirl?

I joined eHarmony because, to give you the cliff notes- I don't want to die alone and sometimes it feels like I'm going to. Every guy is either a typical Jersey douchebag, or taken, or even worse- not interested. Because nothing eats at the soul like being fat, feeling ugly AND alone and unlovable.

Moving on! Welcome to my blog, you can call me Ally! Names have been changed to protect the innocent and assholes.

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